Thinking about Empathy

I have a number of questions/opinions/observations/experiences that are buzzing around my head. It would help to write them and talk them through with anyone who is brave enough. :-)

The fundamental question is how do we use empathy to help people given the great numbers of difficulties involved?

Some of my experiences  come to mind. Over the past year I have watched some of my very dearest friends suffer unbearable tragedies - honestly, the horror of the situations astounds me. I am thinking of at least five different  families struck unexpectedly each with more than one horror and each situation I and most people would not have experienced or even encountered, and each of these situations are ongoing. By the end of the January school holidays I wanted to crawl into a small cupboard with my knitting and maybe a book, and not  come out for a very long time. I was emotionally exhausted. (Perhaps my own experience during the same year as mother of a suddenly critically ill son added to my sadness and tiredness.) People told me that if I was going to look care meaningfully for people in such crisis situations, I needed to look after myself but I am not sure if that is enough. I don't know the answer to this. At the end of January, I had just had a holiday, albeit one tinged with many sadnesses. 

So, what is empathy? No-one can fully know the pain in my friends lives, so they can't fully empathize, and neither would anyone ask them too. I know that I don't want anyone I talk to to experience the fear and sadness i felt last year when Chris was in hospital. It won't help me in my resolution of my feelings to pass that suffering onto someone else. Sure, I like the idea of being listened to, but not to cause anyone else to experience my pain. That would just add to my pain, I think. 

But hang on, the bible teaches us to bear each other's burdens, to put other's needs before our own, to "weep with those who weep". Does that mean I should take on as much of the other's suffering as I possibly can? Will that actually help them? Should I also let others do that for me? And what does that mean? If I want to empathize with a man whose wife has suddenly died leaving him and his children grief stricken, should I take on that same level of grief and devastation? How would that work? Would that even help? And what would it take for me to enter into that experience with him? How would the other people in my life cope with me if I were doing that? And isn't the need for empathy rather self-centred, possibly to the point of not helping? (I don't say that lightly either-see below) 

I don't have any real answers for these problems. I have tried a number of things and I think they have been valuable but far from sufficient to ease the suffering in my friends lives. Maybe I need to feel like I am doing something as a way of dealing with the sadness i feel when I consider their situations, and the fear that something worse could happen to them. I listen to them, and I seek to help with some of the practical needs in their lives where I can. But I am not sure that I want to empathize, and I am not sure that I ever really can.

I heard a talk by a lady recently who had suffered a series of heartbreaking losses and whose life was forever changed as a result. "Getting over it" was not an option and life would never be the same for her. But what worked for her in helping the grip of grief to ease was looking outside herself, involving herself in helping other suffering people, caring for them, thinking about them, lifting her eyes away from her own situation for a while. This made an enormous difference to this lady, and I think it is not really a foreign idea for Christians at least. When God tells us to "Weep with those who weep" its as much for us as it is for them. I am sure this is why people whose relatives have been victims of crime start support organisations to care for, advise and advocate for others in their situation. Its cathartic but also gives them something else to think about, gets them out of their own fog and helps them to think about others experiences. This is one of my problems with the idea of empathy when it is directed at me. It will reinforce my Robyn-centredness, and I am not sure that that is all that helpful. 

When I said I liked the idea of being listened to, I am not sure that I like the idea of being deeply empathized with. I would love to talk through how it felt when Chris was ill, but I don't want to do that with a friend. It was greatly imbalance the friendship, making my friend more like a counsellor. I want to have a happy two-way relationship with all my friends. They know I have had a tough year, and that is enough. If I wanted to talk about my experiences in detail, I would do it with "someone who doesn't love me" (as my GP wisely said). I probably will do that at some time. 

I have another friend who rarely sees the happy side of life. I talk to her often and empathize with her situation, but to be honest, many of the things she complains about are trivial. She has become accustomed to complaining, and I know she enjoys pouring out her troubles (on me) and it makes her feel better. But I don't think this is getting her anywhere. There are things that she needs to change, and different ways to look at her life. Listening to herself talk about how tough things are, and how much everyone she knows lets her down, just reminds her of the negative (?) things, and having me empathize with her, (I think) is doing the same. I realise that she doesn't have the confidence to make the changes that seem necessary but I am not seeing that having someone to talk to is making enough difference. (Perhaps the answer is to get involved in the lives of others and start caring about them.) 

Well, this blog got a long way away from the fundamental question and became very Robyn-focussed, but I meant only to use myself and my life as an example, not to look for any understanding. I would like to have some thoughts from readers of this blog about the questions that I ask. 

There were a few other things I wanted to say, but I can't remember them. I might add them later. Please comment and let there be discussion.