What my husband isn't telling me

I sometimes think that the longer I am married, the less I know my husband. I don't think this all the time, thank goodness, but the fact is that as we both get older and both change things become apparent that we don't get about each other. I have been thinking about his alot over the past few months. Turning 50 did something to both of us, it seems. I have many many thoughts about this issue, but an online blog might not be the place for all of them.

However, last week, even as I was considering this new phase of married life, I heard an interview with David Murrow about his new book "What your husband isn't telling you.". The interviewer, Leigh Hatcher, seemed to really like it. I thought to myself, I better read this. It possibly was a direct sign from God I had prayed about this only moments before. In that case, reading it is definitely required.

The blurb on the back says :

Your husband learned from an early age to deny his true feeling - and to be silent about his deepest needs. Most men long for greater intimacy with their wives, but they have no idea how to find it. 

Bestselling author David Murrow breaks the silence, uncovering the central secret of your spouse's heart. he reveals what every husband since Adam has felt by has been unwilling or unable to say.

If you really want to know what's stored up in your husband's heart, read this book. You'll not only understand him better, you'll love and respect him more.

"Well" I think to myself, "I would like to do that". So I bought a copy of the book and am just starting to read it. I will report back.

I did look at some online reviews, and noticed that the book wasn't universally applauded. Alot of men thought it was wonderful and alot of women didn't. I am not sure what to make of that, and I expect I might disagree with some of it, and perhaps ever find some of it distasteful, but I will persevere in the hope of learning more about what is in the heart of my husband that he hasn't told me about.

 

 

 

Generosity - why is it good?

I often see posts on facebook about why we should not share. They say our first responsibility is to our own ..... (insert relevant group - family, church, nation, etc). There is an implication that we are somehow ripping off our own group by looking outside it to groups who are more needy to direct our giving. But are we really being generous if we are just supporting our own group when there are others whose needs are much more dire? Should I feel satisfied with increasing my children's pocket money, as if that is what God asks of me? Ok, that's a silly and extreme example. It just annoys me when I read that foreign aid money should be diverted to the poor in our own nation when we are wealthy enough to look after the Australian poor, and we do, but our foreign aid budget is small and lacking in compassion for the worlds neediest people in other lands.

Anyway, today's bible reading included many helpful verses about generosity from Proverbs Ch 11. These verses resonate with me and my experience.

• V 25 reminds of the joy of giving - "A generous man will prosper, he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed" and 
• V26 "People curse the may who hoards grain but blessing crowns him who is willing to sell".
•  V28 "Whoever trusts in his riches will fall but the righteous will thrive like a green leaf".

 In other words, there is much joy in giving, but hanging on to wealth for the sake of security will offend people and lead to ones downfall. I don't have to look far to find excessively wealthy people who are always worried that they don't have enough.

But generosity is rewarded. How? With refreshment and joy, with the respect of others. 2 Corinthians ever says that God loves a cheerful giver. So the point is that generosity needs to be an attitude of the heart. We don't do it for a reward, but we get rewarded anyway, in all kinds of ways, including the joy of a connection with people we don't otherwise know, and the satisfaction of seeing God use our small contributions to great ends in his kingdom.

But I don't think generosity is just about money. Its easier sometimes to make an online deposit than give of our time and energy. I think God loves both kinds of cheerful givers and rewards them both, but the reward in terms of satisfaction is even greater when time and emotional connections are involved. Riskier too, but the greater the risk, the greater to joy.

Understanding Teenagers- (pretending we do, at least)

Last weekend I went to a seminar with this name (not the "pretending" bit though). I had been looking forward to it for ages, and missed an important commitment rather than miss the seminar. The speaker was Colleen Hirst, an adolescent counseller and mother of 5. I have been so impacted by what she (and the other speaker also) said that I wanted to share it, but not all at once. If this topic interests you, please pop back here over the next week for her advice.

Young kids rarely question the behaviour of the adults around them. They accept it, but teenagers start to look for authenticity in their parents. They are much more interested in what you do that what you say, so your example much more important than your words. Sorry, that sounds rather preachy, but I am just repeating what I heard, and what resonates with me. My kids are 17, 18 and 19 and they will spot hypocrisy in my in a second. If we want our teens to treat us with respect, to start with, we need to live the way we claim to value. Walk the walk, not just talk the talk. It sounds really obvious, but when you are in a crisis of conflict with your offspring, its easy to act and speak out of anger and self-protection rather than kindness. (see previous blog post)

The first thing Colleen emphasized was important Family strengths. Work on cohesiveness, flexibility and communication.

• Cohesiveness: emphasize you family connection and provide a healthy (emotional) environment
• Flexibility: whatever happens, be there for your teens, but recognise that people's timetables are different. Don't be too rigid. Embrace the differences between you and them. Make time to spent with your teens. 
• Communication: the most important thing. Be ready to listen, and they might even listen to us from time to time. Always love them. 

And never fight with them. Shouting and anger has a negative effect on you and on them. (See previous blog)

The teenage brain is programmed to make them act the way they do. Alot more about this later.  

Respect

I am reading Proverbs. Today's passage has some awesome insights and I tend to apply these to life as the mother of teens. Graeme Goldsworthy's commentary is very helpful too. For lack of time, I am just going to copy what he says about two lovely sayings.

Proverbs 11:12 "A man who lacks judgement derides his neighbour but a man of understanding holds his tongue"

Commentary: (See also verse 9) Gossip and derision will harm others but do not benefit the gossiper. This proverb is one of many dealing with the advantages of knowing when to keep silent.

Me: So relevant to parenting. Don't fight with your teens. A woman of understanding knows when to stay silent. (eg when they are angry or when you are angry)

Proverbs 11:16-17  "A kindhearted woman gains respect but ruthless men gain only wealth. A kind man benefits himself but a cruel man brings trouble on himself"

Commentary "In their lust for possessions fools scorn that which is of far greater value: relationships built on respect. There is legitimate self-interest expressed in the command to love your neighbour as yourself. What is best for others is best for us"

Me: Its not hard to see how these three verses complement each other. Poor use of the tongue is cruel and doesn't benefit us or the hearer. Don't fight with your teens. (Can you see a theme happening here?) If they seem disrespectful, getting angry and telling them off is not going to make that any better. Be respectable - calm down, demonstrate kindheartedness and self control. It will go better for you and for them.

More about teens later. This is quickly written. Love to have a conversation, though. Please add your thoughts.

An odd memory from high school

Its weird the things that stick with you. I recall in high school a Christian girl complaining that her parents took alot of vitamins. For her, this was sad evidence of their worldly lifestyle. It made sense at the time.

This comes back to me every time I go to my collection of vitamins or other supplements. On the kitchen bench so I remember to take them daily is Glucosamine  to keep the arthritic changes in my hand from getting worse, Caltrate to ward off osteoarthritis, which runs in my family, krill oil (super strength) to bring down my cholesterol and a multivitamin (for the over 50s) for everything else. One time I took all of them at once on an empty stomach. I won't be doing that again.

So "whats wrong with taking health supplements?" I ask the memory of my school friend? These ones at least do seem to have some scientific credibility.

Her reply would be (now she is even older than me and no doubt decorating her kitchen bench in a similar way) that the point she was making wasn't anti-vitamin but pro-Jesus. Her parents were putting their hope in their health and that's a dangerous thing to do because it doesn't matter how powerful your fish-oil is, everybody dies. We can and should look after our earthly bodies as well as we can but always with our eyes on the one who will soon be giving us a body that will never let us down again.

"Do not collect  for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But collect for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. Matthew 6:19-20

TO DO:

TO DO:

Write Blog

                               

There is only one thing on my to do list. I used to write long to do lists, and sometimes I got alot of the items done. But usually, as I diligently added tasks to the long list that extended onto a second page,  I ended up becoming totally discouraged by the length of the unachieveable list, and giving up and finding something nicer to do.

But I have found the answer to this. I now have a one-item to-do list. When I have completed the item, I can tick it off and smugly have a coffee and feel like a total success. Then I can write another to do list, and complete that task and double my satisfaction. Wow, two to-do lists completed today, well done Robyn. You are a legend.

So : Write Blog. Tick.

:)

Feel smug. Tick.

Hmmm! (warning- a bit gross)

We don't often eat around the table on the weekend. Friday nights we usually eat takeaway Indian or Thai in front of some football game, Saturday night the kids are often out and Sunday night everyone eats at different times. This past weekend was much the same including a dinner at our church. Mal and I were involved in preparing said church dinner and with 5 other commitments on the weekend, struggled to get on top of it all. That intro is by way of an excuse for what happened.

I did sit down at the table at my laptop on a number of occasions and was bothered by a strange odour. I looked at the various things on the table, including a roll of fishing line, and decided that they did indeed smell, so I put them away but each time the smell remained. I bleached and mopped the laundry floor thinking that the cats might be responsible for the smell (which was bothering me more and more and starting to remind me of an open sewer). By the end of the weekend I was even going to the length of wiping my laptop down with disinfectant. Oddly, my family never mentioned the smell although to be fair I was so busy with other commitments I hardly saw them.

I am so glad that our bin goes out Sunday night and in it, the reason for the totally rank smell - which Mal never smelt but the 'culprit', thank goodness, Malcolm discovered when we got home from our church dinner at about 9pm.  On a chair pushed under the table was a bag of meat, about 4 kg, (2 kg extra lean mince and some previously yummy-looking, now offensive, mango chicken fillets) bought from the butcher on Friday. I was busy cooking and preparing for the weekend events and managed to put only three of the four bags away.

I am so glad I did not wakeup to that stench this morning. The garbos can have it.
Feeling foolish now.
I was really looking forward to that chicken too. :-/

Seventeen years ago a house church which we had been attending for 12 years closed. We all decided it was time to do something new and better. But it was like shutting your family so we agreed to still see each other regularly. And we have. Last night we met for our annual dinner. What a wonderful night that was. I never thought we would stick to the commitment to stay together. But one of our wonderful faithful ex-members has organised all the subsequent get-togethers and assured the continuation of the family and we are all so grateful for her efforts.
So we had a delightful time around the fire at the Blue Mountains home of Mark and Lyndal. What a joy to still have such great evenings with such precious brothers and sisters after all these years.

Yesterday

Yesterday I went to a seminar called "Understanding Teenagers". The amount of important stuff I learnt will fill many blog pages in the next couple of weeks but as  prelude here is a thought that came back to me as I was practicing the piano for our church band tonight. 

A few years ago the teens in my family were causing me some real heartache daily. However, a song we sang in church, (which I am again practicing today) is called "I have a shelter in the storm." I am not kidding or being flippant here. The image of Jesus keeping his children safe through storms was and is still a powerful one and very relevant to all of us, including those whose stormy teen parenting experience is beyond what they think they can handle. 

Why Spend your Labour on what does not Satisfy?

I am greatly encouraged by Isaiah 55. The NIV called it Invitation to the Thirsty. Who doesn't thirst for real satisfaction and joy in the frustration and business of life?
I am going to put it all in this blog post for your encouragement too. If you don't like reading long bible passage just read the underlined bits, but please do read. And have your thirst quenched. 

“Come, all you who are thirsty,
    come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
    come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
    without money and without cost.
² Why spend money on what is not bread,
    and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
    and you will delight in the richest of fare.
³ Give ear and come to me;
    listen, that you may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
    my faithful love promised to David.
⁴ See, I have made him a witness to the peoples,
    a ruler and commander of the peoples.
⁵ Surely you will summon nations you know not,
    and nations you do not know will come running to you,
because of the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel,
    for he has endowed you with splendor.”

⁶ Seek the Lord while he may be found;
    call on him while he is near.
⁷ Let the wicked forsake their ways
    and the unrighteous their thoughts.
Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them,
    and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.
¹⁰ As the rain and the snow
    come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
    without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
    It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
¹² You will go out in joy
    and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
    will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
    will clap their hands.
¹³ Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
    and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
    for an everlasting sign,
    that will endure forever.”

Isaiah 55

Thinking about prayer

This week I had the opportunity to ask a good friend to pray for me about something that I was really struggling with. 'Struggling' is really an understatement. 'Tormented' seems more apt. It was a great relief to talk to her and know she would remember to pray for me. I didn't go into too much detail, but my friend is wise and her life experiences have been similar to me and she seemed to understand.

Since that conversation, the torment has actually eased significantly. Also the situation that was tormenting me has also eased.

No doubt the easing of my struggle was,  to a significant extent, due to the act of sharing my trouble with an empathetic friend, and knowing that she enlisting supernatural help on my behalf. This effort on her part is not a small thing, and contributes to my sense of being listened to and actively cared for, which change how I respond to the issue.

Reading passages such at Ephesians Ch 1 where Paul is recording his prayer for the Ephesian church, or Colossians Ch 1 as another example, Paul didn't have to tell these people that he was praying for them to ensure the power of God would impact them in awesome ways. But, and God has designed it this way, part of the way God will answer this prayer is through Paul's words to them.

a) This beloved apostle has been impacted by their love for him to the extent that he will pray for them. That would be hugely encouraging.
b) The details of his prayer which record his empathy for them, his joy in their faith and his desires for them in the future would spur them on to greater Godliness, and greater courage under persecution.
c) He is also teaching them how to pray for others who they wish to see grow spiritually (and by the grace of God, he is also teaching us)

At the start of all Paul's letters, he wishes the reader/hearer grace and peace. He then goes on to pass on grace and peace to them from God through his words.

Its so important that we in the church talk to each other about prayer. "How can I pray for you?" seems much more essential than "how did your soccer team go?" (although there is a place for such a discussion with people less familiar to us).

God answered my friends prayer for me before she even prayed it, in part, by giving me someone to share with. Then she put it before Him and he continued to work in a situation which he was already working in.

A few years ago I read Philip Yancey's book Prayer. I was greatly impacted by his thoughts on the topic and I would recommend it to anyone. Its clear that prayer is about our expression of our dependence on God as the sovereign Lord. Its true that, amazingly, God listens to us and works in accordance with our requests, but the most important thing is that we pray, not what the answers look like. Prayer is always good for us.

School Scripture Lessons

I never really wanted to be a scripture teacher. I started out of a feeling of obligation. But then I discovered (during my very first lesson) that the joy and blessings that came along with it could not be over-estimated. I wish I had started years earlier. In brief the blessings include

• seeing the truths of God make sense to the students and fill them with excitement about knowing him
• learning these truths more fully myself as I get to know how God has revealed himself to mankind
• learning to explain profound stuff in a simple way that resonates with the students
• being reminded constantly what God has done for us
• getting to be part of a lovely team of people
• being prayed for by school parents and teachers
• getting the privilege of telling people about Jesus
• seeing the students grow in their understanding of God over time
• finding out years later that kids have given their lives to God. 
• putting what I learn in scripture into practice in other areas of my life including parenting, church and personal relationships
• joy - lots of it
• seeing God work through my weakness. One of the most helpful things I ever learnt about scripture teaching was that I wasn't very good at it. 

These are just the blessings that spring to mind today. 

If you have ever thought about teaching scripture, pray about it now. If you think you could never do it, find another teacher and become his/her helper in the classroom so you can learn from them, be part of the ministry and perhaps in time take on a class of your own. An extra person in the classroom makes a huge difference. 

There are some misconceptions going around about scripture - that its poorly done, that its indoctrination, that its forced on kids and families, that its funded by taxpayers, that its a waste of time. If you would like to discuss these issues, please go ahead. I would be happy to reply. 

The Getting of Wisdom

"Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not k now him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ, the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength" 1 Cor 1:20-25

Surely its only a powerful work of God's spirit that reveals this truth to us. The wisdom of the world is in opposition to God's wise truth. But Christians get it because God shows it to us, so that this "foolishness" becomes the best wisdom we have ever heard - something to build our lives on which makes perfect sense.

Verse of the day and a new goal

"Choose instruction instead of silver, knowledge rather than choice gold, for wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire can compare with her."
Proverbs 8:10-11

For someone like me who lacks self-discipline, setting goals is really helpful. I could set a hundred goals but I think its wise to start with one. This year, I have noticed that my prayer life has slipped away. People who pray see God working in their lives much more clearly. So:

Goal: Pray for 15 minutes a day. Using a prayer list, I will stay on track with this (that's the plan, anyway)

Note: This doesn't have much to do with my verse of the day, but praying is wise, so that's a link, isn't it?

My mentor

My college lecturer will be very happy to hear that I have finally met with my mentor (M). She is a lady from church who I don't know well, and I am very excited to hear about her life, and to learn from her vast experience. I have been thinking about mentoring for the past few years, and am really glad it has finally happened.
In a sense, I am killing 2 birds with the one stone (awful metaphor) as I need a ministry mentor for my studies, and need a personal mentor because I don't know many older Christians and should be learning from someone older than me. I have read a number of publications on mentoring recently and am convinced that its a biblical model for personal spiritual growth.
After only one session, I feel much more motivated and encouraged. I am excited to get to know this smart, experienced, enthusiastic woman who is spending her retirement ministering to others. I hope that I also will be able to pass on some wisdom and knowledge to younger Christians in time.